Surabaya, December 24, 2011

[I'm craving for my love's embrace. Whenever I lay myself down, my heart drops, piercing through my backbone, fell deep into  the immensity of dazzling candor. Everything about you speeds up my heart rate. Out of restlessness, out of unruly peace and ecstasy. Something about you, my heart may skip a beat. In a blink of an eye, fantasy turns to dust. By will, dust turns to clay. ]

On Friday, October 28, 2011, Owl City was amazing. Didn’t get the chance to memorize all of his songs, how unfortunate. The only song I could sing along so well was Alligator Sky.

Oh, telescope, keep an eye on my only hope lest I blink and be swept off the narrow road.

Hercules, you’ve got nothing to say to me ’cause you’re not the blinding light that I need.

‘Twas Hari Sumpah Pemuda, mass riot everywhere. Overcast ever since the sun rose. Basic gloom. Excitement in disguise. Was in absolute doubt whether to go to the concert or not. Have been looking forward to see Adam Young. Not a HUGE fan, but I definitely admire him with all my heart. Adam is superbly amazing. No need to be a fan to love him. You listen to his songs, and every word he sings melts  your soul and encrusts your heart with sweet delight.

Three of us bought ourselves some snack before we got ourselves to the bus and went to off to Senayan. Oh, no, we stopped at Semanggi. Got off the bus in the middle of the street, in the middle of a stormy night. Our clothes and shoes soaked by salt water, we grabbed a cab and dried ourselves on our way to Tennis Indoor Senayan. We weren’t late. We got ourselves the almost perfect spot at the Festival section, waited for few minutes before the euphoria kicked off.

I’ll drag the anchor up

And rest assured

‘Cause dreams don’t turn to dust

Adam Young was love that night. Everything about the concert was outstanding. From song to song, mesmerized. Every single melody perpetually smacked me dumbfounded. Perfect dose of bliss.

Ah, talking about Owl City reminds of Taylor Swift’s Enchanted.

This is me praying that this was the very first page, not where the story line ends.

My thoughts will echo your name until I see you again.

These are the words I held back as I was leaving too soon.

I was enchanted to meet you.

Enchanted is one of my favorites from Taylor’s latest album Speak Now.  Interestingly, the decoded message in her lyrics for that song is “ADAM”. Yes, the Adam Young, people. In regards to this song she wrote, Taylor Swift admitted: ”It was about this guy that I met in New York City, and I had talked to him on email before, but I had never met him. And meeting him, it was just this overwhelming feeling of: I really hope that you’re not in love with somebody. And the whole entire way home, I just remember the glittery New York City buildings passing by and then just sitting there thinking, am I ever gonna talk to this person again? It was that feeling of pining away for a romance that may never even happen, but all you have is this hope that it could, and the fear that it never will.” How sweet. Adam Young’s response to the song was heartwarming. Wonderstruck, truly.

And talking about meeting someone, I can’t wait for Christmas.

To begin with, I’ll list down several Christmas Albums I’ve been listening to:

• Christmas in DiverseCity – TobyMac
• Under the Mistletoe – Justin Bieber
• Christmas from the Heart – David Archuleta
• Christmas – Michael Bublé
• The Gift – Susan Boyle
• Sounds of the Season – Taylor Swift

I would recommend you all to have your own Christmas playlist. Get Christmasy. Feel the joy, spread the love. Oh, recommend me more Christmas albums, please, anyone?

Tell Santa I’m cool this year.

My present is standing right here.

Thank God above for my very own Christmas love.

Long distance has always been one of the greatest challenges. You may be so far away, but I love you, still. Send you my fondest hug! Can’t wait to see you again this Christmas.

[Yesterday was 11/11/11. At 11/11 AM, I playing Tetris Battle on Facebook. At 11/11 PM, I was watching SNSD. Ignore this. Everyday counts. 11/11/11 phenomenon, a classic case of apophenia?]

You know I miss you too.

A. Desmonda

I was temporarily discombobulated by a kiss. My eyes were closed, my soul gently dipped into absolute serenity while gathering all the dust, remnants of the burning hopes, how priceless. Dust then becomes stars before the sun goes down.

Men take moments to ruminate over any linguistic implication of the word ‘forever’ yet in vain. For those vague insinuations matter not. These myriad emotions will eventually recede. At any rate, let this noncore sincerity stay concealed.

I miss all that we were. All that we were not, a favorable compromise. ‘Twas ambivalent yet vivid aspirations were whispered. But let what’s divine prevail.

Farewell to every inapt speculation within faulty perspectives. Farewell to  every dramatic refusal within traps of elusive simplicity.

…and say hello to the apotheosis of this tenacious persona.

But what’s waiting for you on the other side is worth everything you’re going through at the moment.

Your fading away, how endearing.

A. Desmonda

You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it.  But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.

- Jessica (8 y.o.)

10 things you want to say to ten different people right now.

1. What the heck. HAHA, thanks.

2. …hey. (;

3. You know what?

4. Send me cupcakes, lovely!

5. When shall we meet?

6. Can’t wait to see you again.

7. Happy birthday!

8. Where are you?

9. How’re you doing?

10. I love you.

9 things about yourself.

1. My daily consumption is yoghurt, chocolate, and kiwi.

2. I’m quasi-kinesthetic in certain occasions.

3. I go hyper when watching Manchester United playing.

4. I love watching drag races on YouTube.

5. I do enjoy photography. Teach me.

6. I enjoy walking.

7. I would love to dedicate a year of my life traveling around the world.

8. I don’t read books.

9. I love you.

8 ways to win your heart.

1. Tease me properly and randomly.

2. Ignore me occasionally.

3. Stay sweet even when I get annoying.

4. Talk it out. Say something.

5. Tongue out!

6. Care enough. Not too much.

7. Impromptu chats.

8. I love you.

7 things that cross your mind a lot.

1. Moot court. Living at the base camp!

2. Family.

3. Music.

4. Food.

5. Movies.

6. Friends.

7. I love you.

6 things you wish you’d never done.

1. Getting to THAT place at THAT particular time.

2. Believing other people’s judgments of people whom I eventually found out lovely.

3. Did not wait.

4. Left… Just. Like. That.

5. Despised them.

6. I love you.

5 people who mean a lot.

1. My mom.

2. My dad.

3. My brother.

4. My friends.

5. I love you.

4 turn offs.

1. Illegitimate domination or control.

2. Pride.

3. Excessive drama.

4. I love you.

3 turn ons.

1. Smart jokes.

2. Irregular issues.

3. I love you.

2 smileys that describe your life right now.

1. ({})

2. I love you.

1 confession.

1. I love you.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

[I’m writing this on a Saturday. In the car. With my lovely Mac on my lap. iTunes,  filling the void. One Saturday spent somewhere in the middle of Taiwan. (Not literally ‘in the middle,’ since I don’t know where in Taiwan I am right now.) To start out, this is how I look like right now:

Well, not exactly. I’m so freaking nauseous. Taiwan is pretty hot, by the way. My summer is not over. Yet. University life awaits at the door. Ah, what the hell, this vacation is much love.]

Have been in Taiwan since last Wednesday; ‘twas on August 31, 2011. That was one day after my mom’s 51st birthday. We had one awful lunch at Dragon Seafood, Pantai Indah Kapuk, Jakarta. The foods were SO-NOT-recommended. Would never eat there ever again. After lunch, we went to buy one lovely birthday cake. Gosh, the cake was wonderful: chocolate devil.

DAY 1 – A Midnight Hello to Taipei.

I brought a quarter of the whole cake to the airport the next morning. Seven of us headed towards Soekarno-Hatta Airport at around 6; few hours later, we were in Kuala Lumpur. The transit session was for a few hours. Had so much time, I chilled at Starbucks for awhile, having my best-loved green tea latte while taking advantage of free wi-fi: BlackBerry Messenger, Echofon, Skype, and Facebook, that’s all, my primary cyberstuff.

Flight from Kuala Lumpur to Taipei was 4-hour restlessness. In the first two hours, I browsed through my photo albums as my iTunes was shuffling through my playlist. The third hour was purely idle. I took pictures. Talked for some times to my grandma and had some dinner. The only choice left was a vegetarian menu. The whole thing was fake meat and rice. I was at the point where one eats everything out of excessive sedentariness. My last hour in the plane was spent (or, wasted) by playing Angry Birds. That pain you got when you have nothing else to do but to sit down, no other choice; and that person keeps crisscrossing your rather empty mind.

“Can I please come down? ‘Cause I’m tired of drifting round and round.”

- Astronaut, Simple Plan

The sun was smiling at the other side of planet when I stepped my foot on the ground. Everybody else was hungry, we stopped by at a night market to have supper: some porridge. Doesn’t look like porridge at all; more like, rice and fish soup.

Our hotel, Star Beauty, was nice. It was damn nice since the internet connection was fantastic. Too exhausted to type, though. More stalking, less talking.

[Seriously. I. Am. Too. Sick. To. Type. More. My. Breath. Is. So. Freaking. Short. I. Feel. Like. Lying. Down. On. The. Street. Is. Right. Now. Driving. Through. The. Mountains. And. I’m. At. The. Back. Seat... *beep* *beep* *beep*]

***

[Today’s attack of queasiness was unbearable. I took off my scarf, my necklace, my headset, shutting down my laptop immediately. Now I’m in my hotel room, and I’m typing this few hours after my carsick prattling resulted in the previous section. Should type these first days all down before all these fresh memories get replaced by the upcoming ones. Oh, and one more thing. Two out of seven of us bring their professional cameras. I’m not one of the two; meaning, there are a lot of pictures of me being taken, that there would be more pictures in this post. Moreover, start-out photos to begin every section: photos of how I look like when typing this stuff. Strange? So this is how I look like right now:

Yea, that’s the bed I’m going to sleep on tonight. Anyway, during this sojourn in Taiwan, my roommates are my dear grandma and one aunty. They’re on bed already right now. The TV’s on, though, so is my iTunes. Headset on head; get set. It’s 9:13 PM.]

DAY 2 – A City Tour… in the City.

That morning I woke up so excited; most excited, even. One heavy breakfast at the hotel before we went to National Palace Museum at around 9 AM. Unfortunately, cameras were not allowed in the museum. But, believe me, it was amazing.

Personally speaking, I learned so much about jade. Well, it’s very personal for me since the second letter of my chinese name, yu, means jade. Surprisingly, getting all those informations about jade was such a self-reflection. Jade is so gentle and beautiful yet so strong. Those ancient Chinese used jade for jewelry, furniture, and even cutting tools like axes. Rub your hands on jade, and it will get smoother and shinier. Jade is also one magical stone that can get connected with men’s blood. Wear jade, and people may know your health condition. A person with a jade bracelet, for instance; if the color of the jade is bright, that person is healthy, but when it turned dull, it tells that he’s not well.

(I may look like some normal, sometimes even weak, girl from the outside, but get to know me, and you’ll find out how strong  and dominant I could be. Correct me, and I’ll love you more; I’m beyond grateful for those people who take part in forming this fool to become who she’s destined to be. And I’m honest, baby, I really am. No matter how strong I could be, no matter how awesome I am in hiding my emotions, I’d eventually explode, introversively in most occasions, and express how I really feel about something. That’s how jade I am.)

While jade inspired me, ivory impressed me. The carvings of ivory by those Chinese were painstakingly exquisite in so many levels. Words could never describe how delicate those works are. I’ve never seen any European arts that could compare with those graceful cut of the ivories. Whoa, challenge accepted? Also, the carvings of walnuts; simply unbelievable.

The shrine for the martyrs was our next stop. How those Taiwanese appreciate all who have died for their country, including every single citizen who died for Taiwan, was pretty stunning.

One special thing about this shrine was the every-hour shift of guards.

We went to  Taipei 101 afterwards. You know how much I love speed; the elevator – the fastest one in the world – was indescribably incredible. We went to Level 89, and the view was fine despite the fog and the clouds.

The mascot of Taipei 101 was cute. You know what it is? …BLACK AND YELLOW BLACK AND YELLOW BLACK AND YELLOW BLACK AND YELLOW.

Our last primary visit was to Chiang Kai Shek Memorial Hall. Three things about him that are stuck in my mind: (1) his cars were Cadillacs, (2) his Bible scribbled and was in fact respected by the Chinsese, and lastly (3) he’s awesome, famous, and influential. HA, duh.

The building of the memorial hall itself and its surrounding were gorgeous, beautified by flowers of many colors and birds fleeting low.

We ended our second day strolling at the night market after dinner. Honestly, I don’t really remember its actual occurrence.

“Love is gonna make it right. Just hold on, just hold on.”

- Hold On, Phil Wickham

We went back to our hotel, Star Beauty; we stayed in this hotel for two nights. Glad we did.  No more hi-five-awesome-wi-fi in the next hotels until now.

DAY 3 – Taroko Gorge & Swallow Grotto

Another 4-hour car-ride of extreme fatigue. Out of Taipei, we went to stay for a night in Hualien. Rocky mountains and cliffs of Toroko Gorge, never been to anything like it. And also, waterfalls, so phenomenal.

I dipped by feet into a little pond with the mini waterfall somewhere at the shrine and wet my face with the water, so cold yet refreshing.

We found another waterfall nearby, as beautiful.

Oh, here at Eternal Spring Shrine, we bought grapes that tasted wonderful. I also bought a piece of green tea cake, not surprisingly.

Swallow Grotto was as splendid. We had to wear helmets when we were there as it’s not 110% guaranteed that there’ll be no rocks, especially little ones, falling from above.

Our last stop before we headed back to our hotel, Yi Yuan Resorts, was a red bridge.

We had one awful dinner closing the day. We were supposed to have steak for dinner after consecutive Chinese meals. (My dad’s so sick of Chinese food by now.) However, since steak was not that preferable to my grandma, we ate at some random Chinese restaurant that sucked so bad we regretted not eating at the ever crowded BBQ restaurant as mentioned in the travel itinerary. Regret always comes later.

We went to the night market for a stroll before we went back to our hotel.

There was a regression in the provision of wi-fi in this hotel. The wi-fi was only accessible near the lobby of the hotel. Once we get into our room, we lost our signals. I stayed somewhere near the lobby for awhile to simply load my Twitter for BlackBerry while drinking a glass of hot ginger. No more internet connection means no more staying up late.

[It’s 10:45 PM, and I’m suffering a little insomnia here, but to tell the truth, I don’t really know where I’ve been visiting today, that I couldn’t really write anything on Day 4. Moreover, this hotel that we’re staying tonight doesn’t provide any wi-fi whatsoever. To sleep is the only choice.]

***

Sunday, September 4, 2011

No church for today.

[Today is our fifth day of our stopover in Taiwan. We’re in the car right now, on our way from the place I stayed last night when I wrote the previous section, and this is how I look like right now:

This time, my fine look is real; no more carsickness. I guess I’m physically adapted to overdose of ennui.]

DAY 4 – From Hualien to Taitung

As we rode from Hualien to Taitung yesterday, we stopped here and there along the way. Our initial stop was to eat some ice cream. I had a cup of green tea ice cream; mixed with vanilla, gosh, heavenly. Oh, and I saw many toy poodles there. In ratio, out of 5 people who brought their dogs to that place, 4 of them brought toy poodles. I also saw another toy poodle on the street the day before. To buy one is a manageable temptation. (In our next stops, even, we did see more and more toy poodles.)

A visit to some monument across the beach, which was completely a relief from the lassitude I got when typing down the first section of this post. (From the ice cream shop to the monument was for around two hours.)

Not far away from the monument was a rocky mountain of cave shrines. The place was a remarkable venue for photoshoot. The rocky mountain was facing the sea, meters away from the shore. That explains why we don’t find sandy beaches here but of pebbles.

Our next halt was a splendor. Shingly seashore with miscellaneous rocks surrounding a little isle connected by an atypical bridge to the main island.

Before we went to our hotel in Taitung, we stopped by for awhile to see water running up, against the gravity. The cause is a simple mystery. Scientifically debatable, perhaps?

Yesternight’s hotel at Taitung was Hoya Hotspring Resorts. We had a pretty seemly dinner at the hotel before I went back to our room and babbled in the previous section.

***

Every rose I hold in my hand will wither away one by one. All that I would have eons from now may only be shattered pieces of dried needles and leaflets. Yet shadows of beauty carries on in mind. Trifles of verity within pretense yesterday. Thorns of hope whilst heart made whole today. Dreams come true tomorrow, nonetheless. Oh, tomorrow I love you.

Seemingly inconsolable, this psyche may lament beyond any comprehensible refined innocence. Tragedies slinking through the veins; every teardrop is a poem, every ache a song. Every cloudy place brings about remembrance. Every sunshine fosters recollections of petty anecdotes. Tonight, adoration. Tomorrow I love you.

All those tête-à-têtes, I tried to read between the lines. The voids in the scenario were apparently filled with a plethora of peaceful disputes and silent fascinations. Behind every giggle and wiggle, expectations of verifications attached with efforts of eluding potential breakdown. The fall longs for spring momentarily. But tomorrow I love you.

Ambushed by temporary madness,

A. Desmonda

Today’s my beloved Indonesia is celebrating her 66th birthday. I was supposed to attend a flag ceremony at my university yet due to the fact that I don’t have any white shirt in my closet, forget it. Well, to be honest, I was purely lethargic. I planned to wake up late this morning. The absence of white shirt was a “relief,” I would say.

Frankly speaking, I love Indonesia no matter what. No matter how much I wish I could go to any university to United States, no matter how much I wish I could spend months of my life in Europe, no matter how much I couldn’t really understand the depravity of the politics here, I love Indonesia. I have never set my foot on all the islands spread throughout this nusantara yet I would love to. I wish I could go to Raja Ampat. Someday.

Oh, the tourists and me, what makes the difference? If all that I love about Indonesia is the beaches.

No. Indonesia is my home. It’s where my heart is. Wherever I’d be, Indonesia will always be my home sweet home. Nothing patriotic. Nothing nationalistic. I love Indonesia simply because it’s where my loved ones are. It’s about the people. Yea, my love for this country is shallow. It’s like a little kid loving his body pillow or teddy bear. Ice cream or running around in the rain. No reason. You just love. You know that’s where you belong to. The inexplicable connection. The greatest part of your heart might not be it. But at least it occupies some part of it that, consequently, some part of your brain as well, that whatever that you do, wherever you go, you do care. I can be extremely aggravated by the news about the horribly corrupted working of the government. Still.

Now that I’m studying law, let my love grows… mature. Believing that one day I can actually do something for Indonesia. They’ve shed blood for this nation. Our freedom is a priceless legacy.

I wish I could back to those days when I was in Komodo Islands, by the way.

A. Desmonda

Life is beyond making the right decisions. The world will tell you that you have to make sure that you’re making the right decisions, preventing disappointment and heartbreaks. It’s not merely about taking chances. There’ll be one point in your life when you feel like being dead-fallen in deep regrets. You’ll try to comfort yourself to move on. But if you’re not careful, you may move on yet with resentment  toward your own self, condemnation, and fear.

Those who try to juggle chances and regret from day to day will eventually go nowhere. At the end of the day, patience and wisdom mean nothing if you do not believe in Him who holds your world in His hands.

That distressing moment when you wonder what might have happened if you didn’t do those mistakes should be momentarily. Look up. You don’t walk alone. Your mistakes will not change His great plans over your life. At this very time, shall we close our eyes and claim to ourselves with courage that we are where we are supposed to be, with whom we are supposed to be with, and towards the place we are supposed to go.

God’s not surprised by our mistakes. His sovereignty over our lives is beyond our human mind, that as long as we believe, as long as we humble ourselves to obey, as long as put our trust in Him, as long as we wait… and wait on the Lord, not simply any seemingly good things to come, we will be there, on the right course towards our destiny.

[There's not other way to be strong rightly than to entrust our whole world to Him. He who has given us His only begotten Son for us, aren't He willing to grant us anything else? He's willing. And He's guiding us through the working of the Holy Spirit in us, and someday in the future, you'll be amazed in how everything turn out good to those who love Him. The world will only tell you to hold back your tears, forget, forgive, and move on, but those who live in Him will have the strength to laugh at the future, rise above our mistakes and misfortunes, for He is faithful and just.]

Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him. (1 Corinthians 2: 9)

Loved,

A. Desmonda

Worse. Taking the wrong chances is worst. It was better not to take any chances than taking the wrong chances. Once you took the wrong chances, there’ll be great possibility that you’re unable to take the right chances. Regret eventually comes, and there’s nothing you can do but wish that you could have listened. You could have been wiser. You could have followed your heart instead of your logic.

Amateur readers detect foreshadows after what’s being foreshadowed really happen in some next chapter, but those who read a lot will detect foreshadows right away. You just know that it’s a signal. You just know that something will happen. That good chances will surely come. You just have to wait. Wait till those good chances come… and not taking the wrong chances, simply because your logic screams, “Grab it!”

Life is about making decisions. Wrong decisions are always followed by horrible consequences. Good things could have happened to you. Things you wish to happen right now might not be able to happen because of what you wished and therefore chose to happen. To wait requires patience. To wait requires wisdom. To wait is love. Good things happen to those who live by faith. Who obey. Who listen. Who wait.

[Now that the wrong decisions have been made, I could only wonder what might have happened if... if I didn't do what I did. This is what I call beautiful nightmare. Let this teach me to be alert. To grow wiser and wiser, so that I could choose what is right. Discernment is essential. Patience is vital. Trust is high-priority. I better be strong and of good courage to move on, with this lesson stuck in my brain. Tears won't bring me back to the past.]

Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD. (Psalm 27: 14)

Dimitte et progredere*

A. Desmonda

You’re running through my mind all day.

Wait. Can’t go on with the lyrics.’Cause he’s not mine.

[PLEASE DISREGARD ANY AMBIGUITY. NEVER ASSUME. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT'S REALLY GOING ON. BEFORE YOU CONTINUE, JUST TO MAKE SURE THAT WE'RE ON THE SAME PAGE, I'M NOT HELPLESSLY FALLING IN LOVE WITH ANYONE. THIS IS A BEAUTIFUL AND UNUSUAL EXPERIENCE FOR ME. ONE POINT IN MY LIFE WHERE A HUGE PART OF IT HAS CHANGED SIGNIFICANTLY. THE PURPOSE OF THIS POST IS AGAIN AND AGAIN FOR FUTURE'S SAKE. I'M WRITING ABOUT MY LIFE FOR MY OWN SELF. BEAR WITH ME. YOU HAVE THAT MOMENT TOO, RIGHT?]

Anyway, I’m experiencing my first days in university. I better not be downcast. Last week was UPH Festival 18. By definition, UPH Festival 18 is a 4-day event held by Universitas Pelita Harapan especially for new undergraduate university students. It was pretty fun. I took part in the vocal group where we had to perform traditional songs which could be interpreted in whatever ways we liked. We went to the final round, and that was a nice achievement. And today is my third day of university. Most of the classes have been… empty. Except today’s class, the Legal Theory class. The professor in today’s class was much, much better in quality. And quantity. We actually sat in his class for around four hours. Mentally stimulating. We haven’t got any books and work to do. My days have been so, you know, jobless. I need some work to do. Before I do so, let me have my time with my laptop. Downloading stuff. YouTube-watching, Skyping, WordPressing, and so forth, before I choose to lay down and read books.

Just rambling, I hate it when some random guy I’ve just known randomly send some random text to me simply asking, “What’re you doing?” I hate it most when we actually just met. Like in few-hour times. Please. Give me your opinion. Your… I don’t know, life analysis? Well, is it polite if I don’t reply such texts? MAY I? PLEASE! Just so you know, I didn’t reply. I met him today, and I didn’t say sorry. I don’t want to make excuses. When I ignore something or someone, I do it like a pro, baby.

Been reading Though Catalog, by the way. There’s this one article that caught me. Not because it’s a completely or extremely well-written masterpiece of literature of something, but simply because, it describes who I am. Like, when I read it, I was like, “Somebody out there’s like me!” This article is by Ryan O’Connell entitled “Things I Will Do If I Have A Crush On You.” It’s not 100%, of course, because of this different-gender issue between me and Ryan. But basically, that’s me. And I assume, since it’s written in such a way, Ryan’s actually describing a type of people. A group of people scattered all around the world who share the same personality and approach in relationships.

Basically, there are five points directly made in his article:

1. If I have a crush on you, I will ignore you.

I don’t why it’s the very first sentence in the article, but if I had to write on the same topic, I would most probably do the same. I guess I’m that type of person who would give signals. Very, very few signals, that if I were a lighthouse, I wouldn’t be surprised that I’ve caused numerous shipwrecks. I would be that lighthouse who try to be in disguise as a street light. Cleverly stupid. It avoids heartbreak and remorse. And I’ve never regretted doing this. Should I?

2. If I have a crush on you, I hope and pray you will figure it out because I will probably never tell you.

Have you ever got that feeling when you pray so hard that he’ll eventually figure it out and do something about it while at the same time making efforts to hide the truth by ignorance and a sip of obnoxiousness?

3. If I have a crush on you, I will get so excited and think about you a lot and do all of the things that someone does when they see a potential opportunity for their life to change.

“Maybe I’ll get too excited and like the chase more than the catch. Maybe I’ll pretend you’re something you aren’t.” Those maybe’s are in my mind. And it is wiser, henceforth, to back down before I figure out myself wrong. Those maybe’s help me to stick and focus on what’s certain and true.

4. If I have a crush on you, there’s a good chance you won’t like me back.

“It’s not as if I fall for people who are unattainable, it’s just that…I fall for people who are unattainable. Rats!” This is how I would put it: he’s like “traveling around the world.” It is attainable because it has happened to a lot of other people both in the past and in the present. It is unattainable because of current financial and academic situation. Towards such dreams, you just have to wait. For a long, long time.

5. If I have a crush on you, then you’re making me happy.

The last sentence of this article struck me calmly: “It’s better than not liking anyone at all. Right?” Can you imagine this conversation:

A:  I like you.

B: Why?

A: Better than not liking anyone at all, right?

B: [Awkward composure, trying to say something yet remain speechless and end up walking away.]

I like all people, but I like each of them differently. To some, or even to one, I like him specially. Beyond the fact that he always makes me happy. He’s rescued my life by his existence. Definitely you’re one in a million. Fortunately, there’re over six billions people on earth. (These few sentences may not be relevant to all readers. Only me and me alone who would completely understand this whole thing. You won’t get it. NEVERMIND! HAHAHA!)

[Just to make sure, again, I'm not being galau. This whole article is a form of my laughing to myself. Getting to know myself is hard. Trivial improvements shall be appreciated, therefore. I would have confused you as much as I've confused myself. I would have hurt you as much as I've hurt myself. The only thing I would love to do is to love you like I do to myself. I do care. In my own way. CMIIW, please. Oh, if you're not listening to hip hop and stuff like that, I'm quoting New Boyz' Better with the Lights Off at the beginning and the end. Featuring Chris Brown. Good one. I love it.]

I hope you don’t take this the wrong way.

A. Desmonda